this time failure is sweet...

I've been in an existential funk this week - depressed about the state of the world and questions of purpose, existence, religion, etc. The kind of stuff you really can't talk to anybody about or even blog about. I feel extremely fortunate that I have been able to talk to Eric about it and he comforts me by telling me how amazing I am. Now, only if I could believe him on that score. :P

In the meantime, I have completely and utterly failed on my no-sugar-for-2009-except-for-specified-holidays challenge. The amount of sugar I've consumed in the past week defies belief. Easter candy has been my downfall which is rather ironic considering the source of my funk. Peeps (mostly for their sugar hit without the heaviness of fat), frosted shortbread cookies, cadbury eggs, malted milk eggs, reese's peanut butter cups, white chocolate bunny, gummy worms, spice jelly beans, cadbury mini-eggs, white chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, chocolate chunk cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and I have ingredients for rice krispy treats. I might have missed a few items. I even raided my kids candy for their Easter baskets and had to replace it.

So, now it is time to accept the fact that I've failed. Pick myself up, brush myself off and decide what next. To start with, I think I really need to make and eat the rice krispy treats. Need, you ask? I don't think I could handle throwing away the marshmallows and I couldn't handle making them for the kids and watch them eat them and not have any myself. Then comes the next two challenges. Oona's birthday is the 25th of this month and there is the question of birthday cake. Then Mother's day is in early May and the boys have already told me that they want to decorate a cake for me. They have a program at our local grocery store where kids can come in and decorate a cake, get a photo, etc, for Mother's day. How can you disappoint your kids by not sharing in their celebrations or not eating something they made special for you?

My choices? 1) Continue to eat sweets until Mother's day and then go off sugar from then until Eric's birthday in October. 2) Stop eating sweets tomorrow (after the rice krispy treats) and then eat cake for Oona's birthday and then cake on Mother's day but no other sweets. 3) Stop eating sweets tomorrow (after the rice krispy treats) and no cake for Oona's birthday (she won't notice anyway) and disappoint the boys and no cake on Mother's day.

Number 1 is the easiest, except that I would have to face the consequences of eating sugar for a month (weight gain, holding water, depression, short patience, easy frustration, jumpy legs, fast heart beat, inertia (hard time going up and down stairs), achy joints, etc). Number 2 is the hardest because of the roller coaster of going on and off sugar. Number 3 would be great and nearly as easy as Number 1 except that I already brought it up with the boys and the look of disappointment on their faces was just too much.

And as often happens in grown-up land, the hardest decision is the best one. Sacrificing for your kids seems to be the name of the game. And looking at it that way also makes it easier. So I'll eat cake for Oona for her birthday and cake for the boys for Mother's day and otherwise no sugar for me (after today) from now until October 3. And now I can start thinking of what kind of prize I can give myself for making it that long.

Maybe my 2010 challenge will be no sweets all year except for birthday cake on birthdays. Think I can do it? It's a worthy goal and I'll have to think of ways that will make it worthwhile.