Sunday, January 31, 2010

Revenge of the little sister

During bath time tonight, Oona exacted her revenge on her big sister Gemma. Now Gemma, despite being admonished by her mother that maybe Oona didn't like it, would dump buckets of water over Oona's head. Most of the time, Oona took it quietly, only whimpering after a couple of buckets - not tonight, though. Oona took that bucket, filled it with water and dumped it over Gemma's head while laughing her little head off. Gemma, on the other hand, did not take it as calmly as her little sister and did not find it at all funny. How dare this little interloper challenge her authority as dictator of the bath tub??? Oh, the screams! Her mother sat there intent on her knitting trying not to laugh. The revenge of the little sister. Watch out!

Seriously, though, it was hilarious which made it really hard to figure out what to do as a good parent.

On another sisterly note, the other day Gemma and Oona went into their room, closed the door, and played together for more than half an hour. My emotions were mixed - relief at not being climbed on, relief and happy that they were getting along and nobody was fighting, but also some sadness of feeling a little shut out and unimportant. Funny how that works. You want them to leave you alone for five minutes already and then you're like, what, you don't love me anymore? You want to go in your room and be by yourselves? Ah, the trials of motherhood... lol.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

disappearing fabric mystery


A week and a day ago (I think) I was given a kitchen garbage bag full of very nice fabric including some very nice velvet and some girls size 7-8-10 patterns. I took everything out and looked at it and it didn't go back in immediately. Then Monday (I think), I finally got around to putting it all back in the bag. I left it in the kitchen (I think) not knowing where I was going to put it.

I had a brain fuzzy week and I thought no more of it.

The cleaning and putting things away bug bit me this afternoon. I thought to myself, "Oh yeah, where is that bag of fabric anyways?"

Eric and the boys are gone and I can't ask them. I can't find it. I looked everywhere I could think of. I started thinking. It looked an awful lot like a bag of kitchen garbage and it was sitting in the kitchen. No, of course, nobody would throw it away. Would they? And garbage day has come and gone. So...

I'm waiting for Eric and the boys to return and then this blog post will be completed. Until then...

Well, they're back and nobody knows or is willing to claim it. So for now it remains a complete mystery. Either it's gone or it will magically appear where I least expect it.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

good news

Three weeks and three days in, my depression has finally lifted. I was able to really feel present with myself and my girls this afternoon when I got home from work instead of feeling overwhelmed and like I was hanging on for dear life one moment at a time.

It feels good.

Now for my added inches, to shrink... What is strange is the scale at my office still says I'm the same weight. I don't think I trust scales anymore.

And now I'm off for a shower while Eric puts the girls to bed. Ended is the ritual of me sitting at the computer holding Oona while she falls asleep. She has joined the ranks of big girls and goes to sleep with Gemma and her Daddy. And I get a few moments to myself. Heaven.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

further diet update

I'm doing better today. Yesterday was a bit of a low point. I was depressed about everything but especially about my size and my body. All of my old body image demons were appearing and taunting me with images of myself as repulsive and gargantuan and just plain old fat. Those that know me know that those demons are not telling me the truth, but it is hard for me to not hear them and to not believe them. I realized yesterday that I've been struggling with sugar addiction and figuring out how to cut it out for the past five years. Five years! I hadn't realized that it had been so long. Then if you add the previous ten years to that. It's not a pretty picture. If I had a scanner I'd put in a picture of myself from my senior year in college. I'm skeletal, barely a hundred pounds and remember thinking it was a compliment when somebody told me they could blow and I'd fall over because I was so thin. Yay me! I had accomplished the feat of being thin. That was all I could think. I did better through grad school but still not that great and I've been trying really hard for the past five years to silence those demons.

One good thing about this diet, is that I'm not craving sweets. No other low carb diet that I've tried have I been this successful at quieting those cravings. It would take me six weeks into a no sugar challenge before I could feel like I wasn't thinking constantly about not eating sweets and when I could eat them again. It was really hard to keep sweets out of my diet. I'm three weeks into this plan and sweet wise, I'm doing good. I would be happier if I could manage to lose weight like Schwarzbein says happens once you're in balance. I'm trying to focus on improving my metabolism and my health. It feels weird saying that when most people would find aspects of the Schwarzbein plan unhealthy - especially fat content. But it's not Atkins by any stretch of the imagination. You eat a lot of vegetables and protein and you still can have fruit and whole grain carbs. In some ways it feels really strange and in some ways perfectly normal. I'm still willing to give it more time.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

diet update

Well, I'm 2 and a half weeks into the Schwarzbein diet - low carb but not low fat. I need to eat more vegetables, I think. The update? Well, I'm having what she calls in her book and on her web-site a healing crisis. She says people who are more out of balance can have an adjustment period including weight gain, mood shifts, hormone shifts, etc. I feel like my butt is growing an inch everyday. My clothes are getting really tight. Do I need to get some a size up? I'm having mood swings. My face is breaking out. I must have been really out of balance.

Her explanation (or my understanding of it) basically is that on a low fat high carb diet, your blood insulin level is high and your metabolism is slowed down - which is why you often feel like you have to eat less and less to maintain weight loss on long term low fat diets. So when you change over, your metabolism is still slowed down and your insulin is still high and so the insulin makes you deposit the extra fat you're not used to eating around your middle - thus the growing butt. This is supposed to shift over time. With lower blood insulin levels, your metabolism gets faster and you lose the fat that you've been depositing. It takes time. I hope it doesn't take too much time. I'm finding the weight gain a bit demoralizing. Do I ditch the diet or do I keep believing that it will work and keep plugging away? It's too soon to say, I think. If she's right, and my hormones will be more balanced by following the diet and since I had gestational diabetes twice my risk of Type II diabetes is higher and this should definitely prevent that, then it will be worth it in the end. Here's hoping.

Then since all hormones are interrelated and since insulin is a hormone, insulin levels effect other hormone levels - like seratonin and estrogen and progesterone. Another reason, is that many of our hormones are made out of fat so long term low fat diets can mess with your hormone levels because your body has a harder time finding the building blocks to make your hormones. My hormones feel very wonky and I've been more on the depressed side of things. Feeling fat, ugly, depressed and useless is not so much fun even if you know it's temporary, in your imagination, and because of your dietary changes. I've been dreaming of white bread and sweets and other forbidden goodies. I almost didn't eat lunch yesterday because all I wanted was the forbidden and because I felt fat and ugly. Warning bells harkening back to my eating disorder days rang in my head and so I did eat. (Note: anybody that knows me, I imagine, laughs at the idea of my feeling fat which is both true and also makes me feel bad that I feel fat when I shouldn't.) Here's hoping that feeling shifts, too.

Some yummy things I've found on the diet: Creamy baked eggs (two eggs into a lightly buttered ramekin, pepper to taste, parmesan cheese, and 2 T heavy all dairy cream - bake in the oven at 325 until set to your liking) and faux steamer (2 T heavy all dairy cream, vanilla to taste, stevia to taste, hot water to fill up cup) because milk has carbohydrates in it and sometimes you just need something with a little sweet taste.

And some pants I'm thinking would be good. Comfortable, stretchy and still nice enough to wear out and about. Or these. If I haven't started to shrink by four weeks into the diet, I think I'll have to find something.

Monday, January 4, 2010

war paint

Oona had fun with the markers Santa brought. Belly buttons have also been very important as have binkies and wearing your pajamas most of the morning if not all day.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Year

I had a blue start to my new year that matched the blue moon, I guess. I think it was because I had a sugar binge and then I stopped cold turkey and my seratonin levels plunged. I also gained several inches to my waist in the process which I'm not happy about. In the past, I've lost those inches two to four weeks into the no sugar campaign. I'm really really hoping I do because if I don't, I will need to go out and by clothes the next size up. And I'm already having a hard enough time being the size I am which is one size bigger than I was before babies. So to be two sizes bigger than the clothes I had to get rid of because I gave up believing that I'd ever fit into them again. I struggle with negative body image and feeling fat. So this is an opportunity to change that.

To help that struggle, my main new years resolution is to eat well. My chiropracter recommended The Schwarzbein Principle. I've read it and it makes a lot of sense with my experience. So that is what I'm going to try for this year. And I'm really hoping it works for me. Schwarzbein says that it can take time for the program to work. But I like that. Too many of the quick fix diets don't last. If this one works, then I'll be following it for the rest of my life.

I was originally going to write a lovely post of New Year's resolutions. But my low feeling has left me feeling negative and sarcastic about myself. I'll stick with three:

- eat well
- be present
- be patient

Happy New Year! I'm sure I will de-funk soon and be more optimistic and cheerful. :)


I took a picture of the guys in their Christmas robes. I'm happy that I actually took a picture. And I'm happy that they're happy with their robes. They're getting a lot of wear. Yay! They're not perfect. And I'm jealous and want one too but can't justify it because I have two other perfectly good robes. Ta da!

Eric's has tie-dye flannel lining. Patrick's has skateboard print flannel inside. And Jack's has space ship and outer space print flannel inside.