ghosts of pregnancies past

The return of contractions, most likely Braxton Hicks, has brought back the ghost of my pregnancy with Oona. It's my job to make those ghosts go away and be confident in this pregnancy as its own unique thing. I have to say that that is much easier said than done. After Oona, I swore I would never do this pregnant thing again. Semi-regular contractions, some Braxton-Hicks, some real, from 22 and a half weeks on was emotionally and physically exhausting. With Gemma, I pretty much had five minute contractions, real ones even if they weren't producing much of change, from 34 weeks until she was born at close to 41 weeks. It's easy to say that since I carried both girls to term in spite of the contractions that they're really not a big deal. But a baby's life is in the balance and it seems wrong to gamble it. And maybe if I hadn't rested, I wouldn't have carried to term. Is it possible to know for sure? So here I am, needing to rest to keep my uterus in check and the ghost of bed rest is taunting me. I so hope that it stays far far away and doesn't become a reality. Right now it's hard not to resent this little one for asking me to be his Mom and then I feel guilty about that. My job, now, is to keep those fears and ghosts at bay, forgive myself for the resentment and move on. I'm confident that once this is all over and I meet the little guy that it will have been all worth it.

I think one lesson of motherhood is that there are times when your agenda and how you think things should be is not the most important thing in the world and may be the least important. I'm not advocating the erasure of self that can happen with some Moms. There are times when self care needs to come first. And there are times, and this is probably one of them, that the desires of my self and my ego need to come last. Sometimes other things and other little beings are more important.

Pregnancies past... with Gemma, then me in my spot on the couch with Oona.

16 weeks

What is it about pregnancy that forces you to face all sorts of things you would rather not? There's something about bringing a new life into the world and all the change that entails. I was talking to a friend about how for some women, pregnancy and motherhood is paramount to doing a spirit quest. For me, it is like that.

First, it was the boy conflict. How could I be a boy Mom? How does that relate to being a step-mom to boys? Will it be different? What does it mean to be a step-parent? Do I play a parenting role at all with the boys? (Yes, though it's half Mom, half the woman their Dad lives with.)

After I mostly resolved that conflict, I've been dealing with the conflict of being attached to Plan A which did not involve being pregnant again. It's been hard not to get mad at God and the Universe for asking me to have another baby. I liked Plan A, and Plan B with baby is not clear to me yet. Do I keep the girls in daycare/at school? Do I take them out? How soon will I return to work? Do I try to take the baby with me? Do I try to find a babysitter? What will having another baby mean in terms of timing for my career plans and aspirations? School? How? When?

Then, to top it all off, I start getting a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions (or could they be real ones?) right at fifteen weeks. They eventually go away with rest but all the fears of bed rest and having my butt glued to the couch and having almost no control over my immediate environment all rear their ugly heads. I just can't tell the difference between Braxton-Hicks and real contractions. Part of me wants to just say that it's completely normal to get Braxton-Hicks contractions and I should just ignore them and have faith that they're no big deal. The other part of me sees the roulette wheel and I'm betting this baby's life if I ignore contractions that could possibly turn into pre-term labor. I'll be 36 weeks on December 7. I don't worry so much about contractions after 36 weeks.

So now, I get to find the balance between doing enough to not go crazy, and not doing too much so that I don't get too many contractions. Another quest? Probably...

13 plus weeks

Phew! Only one in there. I have to say that I'm very relieved that I'm not having twins. I know that babies don't really like ultrasounds, but I also have to say, that I, personally, get a lot out of seeing the little one in there. With all the negatives of pregnancy, it is so nice to see a picture of the goal of it all - a little sweet baby with all ten fingers and all ten toes, heart beating, everything in the right place. They couldn't confirm it definitively, but it sure looked like a little boy! I'm both excited partly because my intuition has told me that it is a little boy, complete with name to be disclosed at a later date (though some already know it), and I'm nervous about being a Mom to a little boy baby. Boys are very foreign to me and I just don't get a lot of boy stuff. I have two step-sons and we have a pretty good relationship but I'm very grateful their Dad is around to understand the boy stuff. Will it be the same with this little one that I give birth to? Will there still be the foreign-ness of his boy-ness? Girls, now, I understand most girl stuff. I understand the thrill of dress-up and playing with dolls, and screeching around bugs, and not being interested in the rough and tumble, play fighting, extreme sports, and other types of super-physical adventuring. I had such an instant bond with my girls and love to be able to do girl stuff with them. How will it be different with a boy? Will I be any good as a boy Mom? Well, only one way to find out, right?

Yesterday, with the ultrasound, was a good pregnant day. Today is another story. I couldn't sleep last night because my heart was racing. I probably had too many simple carbs yesterday and all the stress from the ultrasound and we had a busy afternoon with a picnic. I'm extremely tired, cranky, exhausted, nothing sounds good to eat - especially things that I should be eating, and I feel completely and utterly behind with household chores. My house feels like it has exploded with dirt and chaos and I have to write a three page paper. And all I want to do is sit and stare at the wall. Even watching TV is too much energy. I really hope that no more spirit babies are out there wanting me to be their Mom. I'm not sure I could do this pregnant thing again.

twelve weeks plus some

Random pregnancy craving, and it was very very tasty. Sweet potato cut up, tossed with olive oil, rosemary, salt and a little pepper, oven roasted until melts in the mouth. Yum. Probably too many carbs, though. It hasn't been a good week for me for carb counts. Tomorrow is another day and I'm planning on being good starting tomorrow. I have another yogurt attempt on my counter this time made with extra dry milk powder and whole milk greek yogurt which I found at Huckleberry's. I hope it is successful. That whole milk greek yogurt is not cheap! But it is super super super creamy and yummy.

Twelve weeks. I had my mid-wife appointment yesterday. Somehow I lost two pounds first trimester. Not complaining too much. I've been careful to make sure I was eating enough and I'm not sure where the two pounds went. I definitely don't look smaller than six weeks ago. Not worried at this point. I am scheduled for an ultrasound next Friday, though. I wasn't going to have one this early, but my mid-wife's eyes got really big when feeling my uterus, while noting that it was pretty large for date. I'm a twin, though most likely not fraternal. I'm 90% sure I'm not having twins. My brain can't even go there. We do not have seat belts for six kids. The 10% of me will be comforted by the ultrasound when it decidedly says that I'm not having twins. First of all, there was only one spirit baby. Second of all, I measured large for date with Oona early on. Third of all, it is my third pregnancy and my uterus could just be stretching really easily. Little guy has plenty of room in there. But it will be nice not to have a small niggling doubt in the back of my head. Could you imagine if I was having twins? That would be a huge joke on me...

ten and a half weeks

Two weeks of nausea and exhaustion and my house is showing it. I keep hoping each day that I'll have enough energy to vacuum but that also involves picking up everything off the floor and just sounds like entirely too much effort. I've had a couple good days with less nausea but usually those have been work days. I've also discovered that something about the smell of my house, especially the kitchen, really is a huge trigger for me. So maybe I feel better when I'm at work because I'm not at home and because I can focus on one thing at a time instead of all the multi-tasking required of being a Mom. It's hard to multi-task when you're just trying to function. With baby number one, when you feel this way, you can lose yourself in a movie or in a book or take a nap or a long shower. Baby number 3 or 5? Not so much. Those opportunities are few and far between and usually happen when the girls are in bed which means that I am exhausted.

In an attempt to find some high protein foods that I can eat without gagging, I made this yogurt. It turned out pretty good though a little soupy and lumpy. I'm going to try again. This time, I might try Greek yogurt if I can find whole milk Greek. They didn't have it at my usual grocery store. I will also let it sit longer. And I will stir some of the hot milk into the yogurt start before adding it to the whole bowl of milk. I think maybe I didn't stir enough and maybe that is where the lumps came from. Still, I've been able to eat yogurt pretty easily. It's a bit high carb which is why I do whole milk because that increases the protein. I put vanilla and stevia in it.

Chips and salsa... that is one of the only things that doesn't make me remotely nauseous. I found multi-grain chips at Costco which have three grams of protein per serving. They also have flax seed. A little omega-3, or whichever omega it is, can't hurt.

Too much life happening right at the moment. Water spills, etc. This post may not be fully edited but don't want to save it for later.

eight weeks

Something about turning eight weeks has left me completely exhausted. I'm twice as nauseous as last week and absolutely nothing sounds remotely appetizing though I've been able to choke my meals down in the attempt to keep my protein intake high and my blood sugar level. Take that back, chocolate cake with white frosting with lots of frosting roses and swirls all over it sounds absolutely delicious. In fact I had a dream last night about having one in my refrigerator. I was inhaling it and confessing to my husband that I had already eaten ten pieces. The dream sugar rush felt sooo good and the dream cake tasted soooo wonderful. Unfortunately, cake is not in the cards, and as with many pregnancy cravings, there are no adequate substitutes. But the thought of possibly not having gestational diabetes wins out over the thought of how delicious cake would taste. And as much as I complain about feeling nauseous, it could be way way way worse. I'm not needing to be hospitalized for dehydration because I can't even keep water down. That is good news, indeed.

I'd lay on the couch, but I don't have the energy to be climbed on and my girls do not need to be snapped at one more time today. I don't handle not feeling well very well and I have a hard time remaining cheerful. Maybe I would feel better if I did try to be cheerful? Hmmmmm... Might be a worthy experiment. I'll keep you posted.

seven weeks

Seven weeks is really early, but at my appointment Friday I heard little spirit baby's heart beat. He (?) was in the perfect position so the mid-wife thought she'd give it a try. Isn't it amazing that a seven week embryo (technically speaking) has a heart beat? It was pretty neat and just made me love the little guy that much more - something about the reality making of hearing that little heart beating, if only for a brief moment.

This little one is either number three or number five depending on how you're counting. Since I count myself as Mom to the boys, even if only step-mom, it's number five. But it is also my third pregnancy and the three younger ones will have a really different life than the two older ones. I hope they'll still know each other when they're older, in spite of the boys being out of the house when the little ones will be so young. I'll only have five at home for two and a half years.

A friend posted a link to this poem and it made me think of this fifth child.


Song for a Fifth Child

Mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat- a- cake, darling and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard and there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby. Babies don’t keep.

1958 Ruth Hulburt Hamilton