Saturday, July 3, 2010

13 plus weeks

Phew! Only one in there. I have to say that I'm very relieved that I'm not having twins. I know that babies don't really like ultrasounds, but I also have to say, that I, personally, get a lot out of seeing the little one in there. With all the negatives of pregnancy, it is so nice to see a picture of the goal of it all - a little sweet baby with all ten fingers and all ten toes, heart beating, everything in the right place. They couldn't confirm it definitively, but it sure looked like a little boy! I'm both excited partly because my intuition has told me that it is a little boy, complete with name to be disclosed at a later date (though some already know it), and I'm nervous about being a Mom to a little boy baby. Boys are very foreign to me and I just don't get a lot of boy stuff. I have two step-sons and we have a pretty good relationship but I'm very grateful their Dad is around to understand the boy stuff. Will it be the same with this little one that I give birth to? Will there still be the foreign-ness of his boy-ness? Girls, now, I understand most girl stuff. I understand the thrill of dress-up and playing with dolls, and screeching around bugs, and not being interested in the rough and tumble, play fighting, extreme sports, and other types of super-physical adventuring. I had such an instant bond with my girls and love to be able to do girl stuff with them. How will it be different with a boy? Will I be any good as a boy Mom? Well, only one way to find out, right?

Yesterday, with the ultrasound, was a good pregnant day. Today is another story. I couldn't sleep last night because my heart was racing. I probably had too many simple carbs yesterday and all the stress from the ultrasound and we had a busy afternoon with a picnic. I'm extremely tired, cranky, exhausted, nothing sounds good to eat - especially things that I should be eating, and I feel completely and utterly behind with household chores. My house feels like it has exploded with dirt and chaos and I have to write a three page paper. And all I want to do is sit and stare at the wall. Even watching TV is too much energy. I really hope that no more spirit babies are out there wanting me to be their Mom. I'm not sure I could do this pregnant thing again.

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