endometriosis

I've been experiencing pelvic pain the past couple days which means my cycle is coming back and endometriosis symtoms with it. Oona is ten months old so it makes sense that my cycle is returning. I'm not enjoying the return of the symptoms, though. It hurts!

I found this web-site today - http://www.endo-resolved.com/index.html. Something worth exploring. The diet described as a treatment option is quite drastic, though. I'm not ready to do it with a nursing baby. Maybe I need to find a Naturopath to work with on diet because the diet mentioned above is really low protein and I've been finding I feel better with quite a bit of protein because of my sugar sensitivities etc. So how to integrate the two different diet styles into one diet... I'm also considering trying the Mirena IUD which won't cure it but would post-pone things for awhile. I'm a bit concerned, though, about the reports of increase in ovarian cysts. Those hurt, too.

Louise Hay in her book "You Can Heal Your Life" doesn't have anything specifically for endometriosis. For female problems it says "denial of self. rejecting femininity. rejection of the feminine principle." For fibroid tumors and cysts it says "nursing a hurt from a partner. a blow to the feminine ego." For ovaries "represents points of creation. creativity." uterus "represents the home of creativity." So using her kind of logic, the endometrial lining would be about the comfort, the padding to which creativity attaches itself - the comforts in the home of creativity. Creativity can't take root without it. But what if there is too much or it's in the wrong place? And do I deny myself or reject my femininity or the feminine principle? What does she really mean by that?

So right now I have more questions than answers, but this is all food for thought.

Thick Skin

I think as a step-mother to two teenage boys I'm going to need to develop a thicker skin. Yesterday, I got my feelings hurt because they told me they didn't like to go shopping with me. I hope I'm pmsing or something to have that kind of reaction. What teenage boy likes to shop with his mother? Why am I letting this bother me?

A long time ago (when the world was very young...), a friend introduced me to this book called Emotional Alchemy. In this book, the author talks about different "schemas" that we all have that effect how we interact with others, especially friends and loved ones. I read it to try to help my quickly failing first marriage. My ex-husband clearly had the abandonment schema which meant that he assumed everybody was going to abandon him at some point so why not hurry them on their path. Kind of like tearing the bandaid off quickly - you know it's going to hurt so might as well get it over with. My schemas were exclusion and rejection. I assumed I'd never be part of the group so sub-consciously did things (body language, what I said, etc) that put me outside the group. And I assumed nobody would like me and I would be rejected as the unwanted friend so would hesitate to make friends in the first place. What was the point? Interesting insight.

And here it comes back. As a step-mother, hearing the boys say they don't want to shop with me, I quickly fall back into the mode of "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, might as well go eat worms." And then I mope and whine and feel like I'll never fit into the family the boys and my husband formed before I came to be part of the picture. You see? Rejection and exclusion. You would think I would get it by now.

When I was in third grade I would listen to this song every day. It was on a Tubby the Tuba record. I wish I still had it but my parents got rid of it and I haven't been able to find a recording. Here are the lyrics I found on-line. They don't seem quite right - but close enough.

Be yourself, you can't be anybody else,
Be yourself is my advice to you,
Or else you'll always be a nobody,
So be yourself, or else.
A hippopotamus
Would look very curious
Flying like a butterfly;
A fierce and hungry lion
Would look silly tryin'
To bake an apple pie.
I think you'd get a laugh
If you saw a tall giraffe
Swinging by his tail from a tree;
I think an octopus
Would look quite ridiculous
Knitting sweaters at the bottom of the sea.
So be yourself, and do the things that you know best,
Be yourself, I think that you'd be happiest
By being no one else but you

Growing Boys (and babies)

I can't believe how tall the boys are getting these days! Jack is about as tall as his Dad. Hollow legs and all - I also can't believe how much they're able to pack away. Jack told me that Pat thought I was totally weird for saying Jack had a hollow leg. He thought I made it up. I guess he didn't know the saying.... Funny. :)

Pat is growing too!

The boys with their Dad.

Dad with his growing girls.

And me with my binky girls - 10 months and 28 months.

the difference fifteen years makes

I sent off my Gonzaga application today in the mail. I realized that I last applied to college/university fifteen years ago. How different my life is now. Here's the story behind going back to school. Two years ago, I entered into a twilight zone style conflict with my former boss. It was a very strange thing to have a conflict about and even stranger in how big it got. It boiled down to the fact that she thought I was closed to learning and I thought she was very wrong about that. She finally said "I either have to let you go or we need to drop the issue and I've decided to drop the issue." But the fact that the issue came up in the first place and the fact that it became big enough that she thought it was grounds for firing me - I decided I didn't want to work for a person like that. A couple months later I had a dream. My car was parked in a long term parking lot and somebody had smashed into it. The next day I went to get my car to fix it but it had been totally demolished and I knew I had to get a new car. My interpretation of the dream was that my life was on hold (I was newly pregnant and had a ten month old) so my car was in a long term parking lot. My car or career had been run over by my former boss. The message was that I needed to get a new car or a new career. I had been thinking about becoming a mid-wife and that my particular massage skills would tie into it somehow. I'm still not sure if I'll focus on the birthing part of mid-wifery or the massage part of birthing/well-women care/newborn car, etc. But the extra credentials will expand what I can do with massage (i.e. if a woman has internal scar tissue from endometriosis or whatnot or pelvic floor dysfunction, I'll be able to work with her internally if need be) and I might just find that I'm called to help bring babies into the world. My feeling right now is that I'll do the baby part for about ten years and then I'll teach massage skills to mid-wives, labor delivery nurses, and doulas and teach pregnancy/childbirth/infant skills to massage therapists. So to become a mid-wife I could either be a homebirth mid-wife with less training or a Certified Nurse Midwife with more. I decided I wanted the medical background because I think western medicine and alternative medicine should be more integrated and I can't be part of that integration unless I have the western medicine training. So I start with getting a B.S. in Nursing and become an RN. Since I was a music major before, I don't have many classes that will go towards a B.S. in Nursing so I will literally be starting over. It falls into place nicely, though, because my husband is a professor at Gonzaga so I can take advantage of spouse/dependent tuition benefits. Fifteen years ago I would never have dreamed of becoming a mid-wife.

fussing

There must be a secret out there. The secret of how to keep babies from non-stop fussing. My patience is wearing thin with that sound. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. I had acupuncture yesterday and had a hard time falling asleep and every time I did almost fall asleep, Oona would wake up. Acupuncture is supposed to help you sleep better but the last two times I've had it, I've had a hard time. It's hard enough when you're not sleeping because your ten month old is keeping you up. But it is infinitely more frustrating when you can't fall asleep yourself. That's another secret I need to learn - how to fall asleep easily.

On a more fun (funner) note, I'm wearing three handknits today - my kimono, a scarf, and some slippers. Here's a picture of my kimono. I also get to go out and knit today at Paradise Fibers. That might be the secret to dealing with non-stop fussing. Wouldn't that be nice?

So here I am starting a blog. How did I come up with the title? I was thinking about starting a blog and was talking to my husband about the title and in typical spoonerish fashion I switched "A day in the Life," the Beatles song, to "Life in a Day." So there it is. Sleep deprivation does wonders for creativity, right?