New Year's resolutions a month late...

I just saw a link on yahoo about eating foods to boost your mood - whole foods rich in vitamins, etc. Instead, I've made cup cakes from a box mix and some frosting. I've been on a sugar bender the past week or so. It's not very pretty. One night, I was feeling desperate for something sweet, the cake I had purchased earlier already consumed, and there was nothing readily available except for Karo Syrup. I drew the line. That was too close to an alcoholic going for the rubbing alcohol.

Sooo. My New Years was taken over by other important things other than making resolutions. So I'm making today my New Years Eve and tomorrow, February 1 will be my day to start those resolutions.

I renew my resolution to eat foods that are good for me - which, in my sugar-sensitive case, means no sweets.

That is my most concrete resolution. Others would include fulfilling my potential as well as possible as a person, mother, wife, sister. Pray more, laugh more, be more patient, and act with loving kindness and compassion. I'm not setting the bar too high, am I?

BTW, James is one month old today.

birth story

I posted on the blog at 3:30 in the morning on the 31st. I was completely frustrated by the lack of labor. The day before, I got all excited because I had strong contractions that were about three minutes apart for about half an hour. Then nothing. I was so disappointed. I had gotten so excited that this was it. So the next morning, I ignored the crampy, moderate contractions. Hadn't I been having them for weeks now and they meant nothing? I had lunch. Cuddled with Oona. The girls went in for nap time and I settled in to knit on my hat. I often knit while the girls are in quiet time. I started to have some stronger contractions but they weren't super close together so I ignored them. This is about 12:30 pm. I just knit away then noticed that it was getting hard to knit through the contractions. The contractions would come about two rows apart, then one row apart, then they started being half a row apart. I started thinking maybe I am in labor so made a few relevant phone calls. I had the surrogate grandmother come over just in case this was the real thing. I checked in with my doula and talked about maybe going to the hospital. We finally decided to go because I didn't want to have to have the stress of thinking about whether I should go or not. We got in the car and headed off. We got out of the car in the parking garage at 3:33 pm. I had three or four contractions (I had to stop and relax) between the car and the check in desk then a couple more from there to the room (they skipped triage). The nurse asked if I was planning on an epidural so I handed her my birth plan of hypnobirthing. She gave me a gown to change into. It took me awhile to change because I had to breathe through four or so more contractions. Then they checked my cervix and I was already at a 7 with bulging waters which promptly broke. I was group B strep positive so they put the IV thing in, but I guess there was debate over what kind of antibiotic because I'm allergic to amoxicillin and they never did get around to hooking it up. My doula was great and did energy work which really helped. I also had Steven Halpern Sound Healing playing on the cd player. The room was really quiet. They never got around to checking my cervix again. It was clear I was feeling pushy and they let me do mother directed pushing. I was semi on my back and did not want to change position. Some say that isn't the ideal position to be in but it worked this time around. I had a tiny tear which required a couple stitches but has not bothered me at all since then. The mid-wife allowed his cord to pulse and he was immediately placed on my stomach. I could have caught him myself but didn't want to change position at that point. James William was born at 4:48 pm, 7 lb, 10 oz, 21 inches long. Yes, it was that quick and amazing. I really felt like I was able to stay in my hypnobirthing space and could mostly relax into the contractions. I should be grateful for all the preparation my body did. It helped things move so quickly and helped me have lots of practice for relaxing through contractions. The nurse accidentally ripped my IV out while rubbing down the baby. I had so many endorphins running through me it didn't really hurt. The side benefit was that they didn't put a new one in so I spent the rest of the time there without the IV. James looked wonderful and healthy so I was really really surprised when his blood sugar reading came back as too low to measure (which means below 20). So he was whisked away to the NICU which was very sad for me. He was really really sleepy the first twenty four hours and it was hard to get him to nurse. The NICU doctor was talking about wanting to supplement and wanting me to pump to see or prove how much milk I was producing. It was really stressful. Finally, at the twenty four hour mark, he did a two hour cluster feed. Then they were able to wean him off the glucose IV and he was only in the NICU for about 48 hrs which is a really short amount of time for babies born with low blood sugar. His last blood sugar reading was just high enough for him to go home but the NICU doctor let him. I was so relieved. The girls hadn't met James yet because siblings were not allowed in the NICU because of cold and flu season. It was sooo nice to be home and see the girls and have everybody meet the baby. I wish I had a picture, but I don't think a photograph would have done justice to the occasion. I sat on the couch holding James and John, Patrick, Gemma and Oona were circled around me so happy to meet their baby brother. It was wonderful to sleep in my own bed. Going upstairs to the NICU every three hours to nurse was quite exhausting.

It was really really fast but wasn't overwhelming. It was quiet, calm, peaceful and beautiful.

pictures

with more story to come later.


Skin to skin, James William right after birth, 31 December, 4:48 p.m.


With eye medicine...


End of the NICU stay.


Packed up and ready to head home.


Big sisters.


I woke up.


The hat I knit while wondering if I was in labor or not. Is it for real this time? Less than two hours later... I finished the hat while in the hospital.

not in labor yet

It is 3:30 in the morning. I've been having that pregnancy induced insomnia for maybe a week now and finally gave up on trying to go back to sleep immediately. I've been up for close to two hours now. I'm going to knit a few rows on a hat I'm working on then try again to go back to sleep. Unlike with first baby, my girls will need me tomorrow.

This waiting game is not easy. I keep having all these indicators that baby is coming SOON but no real active labor has happened yet. Lots of contractions. Lots of mood swings. Insomnia. Wanting to retreat to that safe, private place to labor from. I get my hopes up, then everything fizzles out and I get disappointed and discouraged. It's a bit of a roller coaster. I know baby has to be born and I'm trying to release my fears that it will be in a way that I don't want - like being induced or having to have a c-section. I'm working on staying in the moment and allowing the process to be what it will be and trusting that my body will do exactly what it needs to do and that it will be, in retrospect, at the exact right time.

I guess this is nature's way of making you really WANT to be in labor. Come on baby! Your Daddy will still be home next week but has to go back to work the week after. It would be so nice to have him home for the first week of your life!

39 weeks

We've made it past Christmas (which was overall good) and my focus has shifted from getting ready for Christmas and then surviving, I mean enjoying, the chaos of Christmas to thinking about when labor is going to start and when will the baby be born. I love Christmas, don't get my wrong, but there is a certain amount of stress that goes along with it - disappointed hopes, let down after all the excitement and build up, too much weird food, overstimulated kids.

Yesterday I had quite a few relatively strong contractions but they completely fizzled out into nothing. So frustrating! It was nice to have the distraction of Christmas so as to not obsess about when I will go into labor (is this contraction the beginning?) and when the baby will be born. Did I do the right amount of activity today? Did I eat right? Did I rest enough? You know, trying to control a situation that is completely out of your control. I've had a New Agey type (a man, too, who has an adopted son but none of his own) tell me that I can just manifest when the baby will be born. At the time, I just nodded and said sure while in my head I was thinking, "Ha! You give it a try!" Thinking about that more, as I wish I could have some control over when I go into labor, I come back to isn't it true that you can only manifest for yourself and not for anybody else? And if you believe in astrology and that the baby picks it's birth time, you can't manifest the baby's birth time to satisfy your need to know when the show is going to happen? I think there must be something to the baby choosing his birth time, reflecting my belief that there is more to the world than just the material. And the mother must wait. The mother's emotions play a role, too, it is a joint and collaborative effort, but there is only so much you can do before you drive yourself crazy wondering if maybe something you did was the wrong thing and that is why you haven't gone into labor yet.

Patience and tolerating discomfort with the best interests of your children at heart is one of the earliest lessons of motherhood. Waiting, wondering whether this next contraction will be the one that gets the ball rolling, trying your best to balance out your day to help create the best scenario for the birth of your baby while at the same time trying to be a good parent to your older children - that is my current challenge.

Waiting, wondering, waiting some more, and some more, and some more...

Officially full term

I am officially full term today, according to the day of my last period. I can't tell you how good it feels to be full term (well, besides the discomforts of being hugely pregnant). Of course, it's still that the baby will be born any time in the next four weeks. But that background anxiety is gone and won't return unless I go past my due date (January 7 according to the hospital) which then will bring up anxiety about being induced. But we're not going to think about that for now... I can tell my body is changing and preparing - more open, more relaxin. I feel like I've dilated some more and that my cervix is changing position. There's more pressure in my pelvis. Contractions are getting stronger, though definitely not active labor yet. I assumed that I would have five minute contractions at this point since I did with both of the girls. But they've been more of a comfortable fifteen to twenty minutes apart.

The nesting urge is going strong down to wanting to scrub all my floors and clean out all my closets. We'll see what I end up having the energy for.

I'm almost done sewing up some fleecy items for baby boy - some hats, sleepy sacks, kimono style sweaters. I have a little tiny sweater on the knitting needles.

I'm also really glad Christmas is coming so soon. The distraction from being pregnant - having something else to think about and focus on - is very welcome. We're getting our tree today. I'm done shopping but have a lot of wrapping to do. I alternate between feeling like I haven't done enough shopping and feeling like I've way over done it - trying to find that happy medium. I'm pretty sure everybody will be happy come Christmas morning.

I've told baby boy that being born on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day is not really an option. The week after would be perfect. We'll see if he listens...

36 weeks

Yesterday, the date was circled on my calendar with the words "the magic day." I've been waiting since April to get to that day. For a long time, it had seemed impossibly far away but now it has come and gone. Now I just have a little background anxiety, not wanting to go into labor until I'm 37 week which won't be until the 17th according to the date my mid-wife has on record and so according to the hospital. Somebody told me that any baby born before that "magic day" at the hospital I'll be delivering at has to go to the NICU regardless of how they're doing. (I'm pretty sure that's true, but I haven't been told that officially by my mid-wife or anything. Maybe I should ask to be sure. Then if it's not true, I could let go of that piece of anxiety.) I'd really really really like to have a healthy baby that does not go to the NICU. So when I have a couple hours of five to ten minute contractions, that date looms in the back of my mind and I have a hard time relaxing and trusting my body to do the right thing. Baby boy is still transverse so chances of me going into active labor are pretty slim with no head engaged.

I've been up a lot at night and try to do my hypnobirthing techniques during that time. The words trust and receive and faith and allow are the ones that keep coming up as I work on releasing fear and anxiety. As much as I believe in hypnobirthing and that it is possible to create your own birth experience, there's a part of me that also believes that there are things outside of our control and that what we think will be perfect may not actually be what is perfect. If we always knew what was best for us, then we'd be omniscient and I'm not omniscient though I wish I were at times. So I'm working on setting the intention but not being attached to outcome.

Here's my intention. I would go into active labor in the evening after the girls are in bed which means we can leave before our care provider gets here (the boys will be home)and I don't have to worry about coordinating my departure with the arrival of somebody who can watch the girls. The roads are passable which makes it easy for all people involved to be able to get to where they need to be. I'm able to stay in my hypnobirthing space, everything goes smoothly, and before I know it, I'm holding a baby boy in my arms. I had a kind of vision of a bridge and a being of light bringing baby boy across the bridge and placing him in my arms. Then Eric can stay the night with me. The girls will wake up in the morning and have a new baby brother. Eric can go pick the girls and boys up and they can come visit me and the baby while I'm resting at the hospital.