almost twenty two weeks

Tuesday marks twenty-two weeks. This is the time in Oona's pregnancy when I went on partial bed rest. I use the term bed rest loosely. I never actually had to stay in bed. Instead I had to sit on the couch. Riding in the car, folding laundry, picking up, etc, would all cause five to ten minute contractions - not something you really look for at twenty-two and a half weeks. Even if you have a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, having them that frequently and regularly isn't very typical.

Last week we took a family trip to a lake about an hour and a half away. That took some recovery time. I could barely move by the end of the day. Luckily regular contractions haven't set in but I'd rather be cautious then go through what I did with Oona. Having your bum glued to the couch for three months is not easy.

Even as a whine about being pregnant, I keep reminding myself that it's not as bad as it was with Oona. First of all, that winter we had a ton of snow. I don't think I went further than the front porch for about six weeks. Doctor's appointments were the only place I went. Second, I had left my job under bizarre circumstances a couple months before I got pregnant. My work friends ended up being just that - friends you are happy to see when you see them but that you don't really see outside work. Those three months on the couch were nearly completely isolated months. Phone calls to my sister and knitting every couple weeks with a knitting friend I had made were all that kept me sane. Conversations with my husband were reserved for the end of the day and I was lucky if he could stay awake. Those three months were some of the hardest I've ever had.

Approaching twenty two and a half weeks has made me think about that time quite a bit. This time around, though, my contractions haven't settled into any frequency or regularity, thanks, I think, to taking Prometrium. I have friends that I can count on and knowing that is sanity saving. I'm sitting a lot (and my bum is growing as a result) but I'm not glued to the couch. The hour and a half in the car was really too long but shorter trips are manageable - tiring but they don't lead to hours and hours of regularly spaced contractions. Pregnancy is not an easy state for me but as I know from experience, could be worse! Even if I do have to go on bed rest (heaven forbid), I know I won't be so isolated like I was. I'm hoping that I can keep it at just taking it easy and avoid the whole bed rest concept.

Did I mention I was taking care of a one year old when I was on bed rest with Oona? Gemma went from 14 months to 17 months during that time. This time around I'd have a two year old and a three or four year old. That just sounds too nutty to even think about.

week 20

I've made it half way. 20 or so more weeks to go, knock on wood. I had my ultrasound on Monday. Good news is that it's a healthy boy! Possibly good or possibly bad news is that I have a circumvallate placenta which either causes no problems or some pretty serious complications. If you google it, you get lots of worst case scenario cases including mention of it causing infant or maternal mortality - just what a pregnant person should be thinking about. I was given the advice today to stay far far far away from the internet. Anyways, there are also a lot of women who safely deliver healthy babies with no complications in spite of this particular abnormality in the placenta. I admit to being thrown for a loop by the diagnosis. All the ghosts of pregnancies past reared their ugly heads again as well as feeling jinxed when it comes to pregnancy. Why can't I have a completely normal low risk pregnancy? Am I going to have third trimester bleeding? Will I have to be on bed rest? Will I have pre-term labor with hospitalized bed rest - very scary thought? C-section? Hemmorhaging? Placental abruption?

After a restless night, I'm able to kind of accept it as a what is and am less caught up with the what ifs. I could potentially have a full term pregnancy and a crisis free delivery. Or I could not, which I will deal with if that possibility becomes an actuality. Worrying about it will not help and will not change anything - besides adding more adrenaline to my system and causing the baby to be more stressed out, too. I tell Gemma that it is okay to have an ow-ie. She's okay, the world is not ending. The same advice goes to me. Even if things don't turn out exactly as I hope, I will be okay. Still, I'll rest much more easily once I've crossed that finish line and am holding a baby in my arms.

pregnancy furnace

Does anybody know how to stop the Chinese comments? My husband can kind of read them and they're spam of some sort. I'm getting really annoyed with constantly deleting them.

Last night the pregnancy furnace turned on. I've been doing pretty well temperature wise up until now. In fact I've been more cold than not cold. Last night, I had to get up and take a cold shower and then sleep with no pajamas trying to catch the breeze coming from the window. My head is right next to the window so the breeze blew on my wet head and I was finally able to fall back asleep. A couple hours later, it got chilly enough, I had to get up and put my pajamas back on.

I'm finding it really stressful to be at home right now. It's just a constant reminder of what needs to get done and isn't. I'm scared to overdo it and end up with contractions so I get to look at dust bunnies, disgusting carpet, piles of toys, and unmopped up spills. I'm wondering how the boys would react if I wrote up a list of chores...

nearly eighteen weeks

Tomorrow will be eighteen weeks, twenty-two (or so) to go. I have not been successful at being a cheerful pregnant person. Thank goodness the girls are playing right now instead of climbing on me. It's a nice break.

The progesterone (Prometrium) supplements are really helping with the contractions. I sleep more soundly, too, even though I have plenty of crazy dreams. I'm able to do a lot more than I could before I was taking it. I'm still pretty exhausted by the end of the day, though, even with the little that I do manage to do. I think that contributes to the crankiness. I don't like feeling unproductive. Growing a baby is technically productive, but it's hard to feel that way sometimes.

I was talking to another pregnant Mom the other day. She was saying the part she was dreading the most is going through labor. I'm the exact opposite. I'm dreading pregnancy and am looking forward to labor and birth and no longer being pregnant any more. At least in labor you're actively doing something instead of passively gestating. Once you're in labor and then the baby is born, then you can feel like you can get on with things. Pregnancy is such a time of waiting, getting bigger and bigger, growing more and more uncomfortable. I keep whining to myself about how much I hate being pregnant, then a quick reminder to myself and the baby that even though I hate being pregnant, it is much much better to stay pregnant until January. I don't want to manifest a miscarriage or pre-term baby because of my negative thoughts about being pregnant. That wouldn't be good.

Sorry for the whiney post. Twenty-two weeks (or so) to go... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can - just like the little blue engine.

ghosts of pregnancies past

The return of contractions, most likely Braxton Hicks, has brought back the ghost of my pregnancy with Oona. It's my job to make those ghosts go away and be confident in this pregnancy as its own unique thing. I have to say that that is much easier said than done. After Oona, I swore I would never do this pregnant thing again. Semi-regular contractions, some Braxton-Hicks, some real, from 22 and a half weeks on was emotionally and physically exhausting. With Gemma, I pretty much had five minute contractions, real ones even if they weren't producing much of change, from 34 weeks until she was born at close to 41 weeks. It's easy to say that since I carried both girls to term in spite of the contractions that they're really not a big deal. But a baby's life is in the balance and it seems wrong to gamble it. And maybe if I hadn't rested, I wouldn't have carried to term. Is it possible to know for sure? So here I am, needing to rest to keep my uterus in check and the ghost of bed rest is taunting me. I so hope that it stays far far away and doesn't become a reality. Right now it's hard not to resent this little one for asking me to be his Mom and then I feel guilty about that. My job, now, is to keep those fears and ghosts at bay, forgive myself for the resentment and move on. I'm confident that once this is all over and I meet the little guy that it will have been all worth it.

I think one lesson of motherhood is that there are times when your agenda and how you think things should be is not the most important thing in the world and may be the least important. I'm not advocating the erasure of self that can happen with some Moms. There are times when self care needs to come first. And there are times, and this is probably one of them, that the desires of my self and my ego need to come last. Sometimes other things and other little beings are more important.

Pregnancies past... with Gemma, then me in my spot on the couch with Oona.

16 weeks

What is it about pregnancy that forces you to face all sorts of things you would rather not? There's something about bringing a new life into the world and all the change that entails. I was talking to a friend about how for some women, pregnancy and motherhood is paramount to doing a spirit quest. For me, it is like that.

First, it was the boy conflict. How could I be a boy Mom? How does that relate to being a step-mom to boys? Will it be different? What does it mean to be a step-parent? Do I play a parenting role at all with the boys? (Yes, though it's half Mom, half the woman their Dad lives with.)

After I mostly resolved that conflict, I've been dealing with the conflict of being attached to Plan A which did not involve being pregnant again. It's been hard not to get mad at God and the Universe for asking me to have another baby. I liked Plan A, and Plan B with baby is not clear to me yet. Do I keep the girls in daycare/at school? Do I take them out? How soon will I return to work? Do I try to take the baby with me? Do I try to find a babysitter? What will having another baby mean in terms of timing for my career plans and aspirations? School? How? When?

Then, to top it all off, I start getting a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions (or could they be real ones?) right at fifteen weeks. They eventually go away with rest but all the fears of bed rest and having my butt glued to the couch and having almost no control over my immediate environment all rear their ugly heads. I just can't tell the difference between Braxton-Hicks and real contractions. Part of me wants to just say that it's completely normal to get Braxton-Hicks contractions and I should just ignore them and have faith that they're no big deal. The other part of me sees the roulette wheel and I'm betting this baby's life if I ignore contractions that could possibly turn into pre-term labor. I'll be 36 weeks on December 7. I don't worry so much about contractions after 36 weeks.

So now, I get to find the balance between doing enough to not go crazy, and not doing too much so that I don't get too many contractions. Another quest? Probably...

13 plus weeks

Phew! Only one in there. I have to say that I'm very relieved that I'm not having twins. I know that babies don't really like ultrasounds, but I also have to say, that I, personally, get a lot out of seeing the little one in there. With all the negatives of pregnancy, it is so nice to see a picture of the goal of it all - a little sweet baby with all ten fingers and all ten toes, heart beating, everything in the right place. They couldn't confirm it definitively, but it sure looked like a little boy! I'm both excited partly because my intuition has told me that it is a little boy, complete with name to be disclosed at a later date (though some already know it), and I'm nervous about being a Mom to a little boy baby. Boys are very foreign to me and I just don't get a lot of boy stuff. I have two step-sons and we have a pretty good relationship but I'm very grateful their Dad is around to understand the boy stuff. Will it be the same with this little one that I give birth to? Will there still be the foreign-ness of his boy-ness? Girls, now, I understand most girl stuff. I understand the thrill of dress-up and playing with dolls, and screeching around bugs, and not being interested in the rough and tumble, play fighting, extreme sports, and other types of super-physical adventuring. I had such an instant bond with my girls and love to be able to do girl stuff with them. How will it be different with a boy? Will I be any good as a boy Mom? Well, only one way to find out, right?

Yesterday, with the ultrasound, was a good pregnant day. Today is another story. I couldn't sleep last night because my heart was racing. I probably had too many simple carbs yesterday and all the stress from the ultrasound and we had a busy afternoon with a picnic. I'm extremely tired, cranky, exhausted, nothing sounds good to eat - especially things that I should be eating, and I feel completely and utterly behind with household chores. My house feels like it has exploded with dirt and chaos and I have to write a three page paper. And all I want to do is sit and stare at the wall. Even watching TV is too much energy. I really hope that no more spirit babies are out there wanting me to be their Mom. I'm not sure I could do this pregnant thing again.